A young executive is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.
"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button.
"Thanks." says the CEO as her paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
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Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Joke 61: Hiring a Sharp-shooter
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, 'You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, 'You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Joke 51: You've got Mail
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an
aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage
of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you
in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and
advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor
an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like
ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address
you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more
that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with
several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of
tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a
broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is
buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that
the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless
and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed
over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting
with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order
to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if
you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
If you got e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an
aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage
of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you
in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and
advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor
an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like
ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address
you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more
that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with
several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of
tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a
broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left
their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is
buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice
trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that
the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless
and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed
over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting
with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order
to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if
you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
If you got e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Joke 7:It is a Dog's Life
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop.
He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb,please".
The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it
in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button.
Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus.
The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor.
The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come.
As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor.
Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.
It opens the big iron gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads
towards the garden.
It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.
The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy.
"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!
The guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."
The moral of the story:
You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.
It's a dog's life after all!
My other blog http://hometown.aol.com/kainaatcreation/myhomepage/sports.html
He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb,please".
The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it
in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button.
Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.
The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus.
The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor.
The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come.
As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor.
Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.
It opens the big iron gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads
towards the garden.
It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.
The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy.
"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!
The guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."
The moral of the story:
You may continue to exceed onlookers' expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.
It's a dog's life after all!
My other blog http://hometown.aol.com/kainaatcreation/myhomepage/sports.html
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