A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!
The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.
To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.
"Ma'am," the officer began. "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer," the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. "Why, what seems to be the problem?"
Shocked, the officer returned her comment, "What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That's the problem. Didn't you see the sign?"
"Oh sure," the old lady returned, "That's why I'm driving so fast. I'm just trying to follow it's instruction."
Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.
"Just what sign are you talking about, Ma'am?" he asked, when he finally recovered.
Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, "Why, the one that said 'Speed Zone Ahead', of course!"
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010
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Showing posts with label cops. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cops. Show all posts
Joke 72: Police in Italy
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the HELL would you say?"
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the HELL would you say?"
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Joke 68: Planting potatoes
There was an old Iraqi man who had lived 40 years in the USA (Chicago) and who wanted to plant potatoes in his garden. However he was a little too old and frail to till the soil before planting so he wrote an e-mail to his only son who was in Paris studying at the time, explaining his problem.
Dear Ahmed,
I am feeling very sad because I will be unable to plant my potatoes this year. I am far too old for such heavy work. If only you were here my problems would disappear, for you are young and strong and could till and turn the soil without any bother.
Love Papa.
A couple of days later he received a mail from his son.
Dear Papa,
Whatever you do don’t touch the earth in our garden. That is where I have the ‘you know what’ hidden.
Love Ahmed.
That night at 4am, the garden is invaded by the local police, the FBI, the CIA, a SWAT team, the Rangers, the Marines, Steven Seagal, Silvester Stallone and a few more of the Pentagon’s elite. They dig for hours looking for bomb making equipment, anthrax etc. but find nothing and eventually leave discretely.
The next day the old man receives another mail from his son:
Dear Papa,
I am sure by now the earth is perfect for planting your potatoes. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Ahmed
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Dear Ahmed,
I am feeling very sad because I will be unable to plant my potatoes this year. I am far too old for such heavy work. If only you were here my problems would disappear, for you are young and strong and could till and turn the soil without any bother.
Love Papa.
A couple of days later he received a mail from his son.
Dear Papa,
Whatever you do don’t touch the earth in our garden. That is where I have the ‘you know what’ hidden.
Love Ahmed.
That night at 4am, the garden is invaded by the local police, the FBI, the CIA, a SWAT team, the Rangers, the Marines, Steven Seagal, Silvester Stallone and a few more of the Pentagon’s elite. They dig for hours looking for bomb making equipment, anthrax etc. but find nothing and eventually leave discretely.
The next day the old man receives another mail from his son:
Dear Papa,
I am sure by now the earth is perfect for planting your potatoes. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Ahmed
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Joke 56: Dublin Traffic cop story
A man was driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin one Friday night, when a police officer pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking.
"Aye, that I have," the man replied. "Tis Friday, ye know, me and the lads stopped by the pub and had eight o' nine pints of the good stuff. After that I had to drive me friend Pat home and I couldn't be rude, so I had a couple of Guiness with him. Then on me way home, I had to stop to pick me up a bottle for later."
The man then fumbled around in his pockets until he found the bottle of whiskey and held it up for the officer to inspect.
Signing, the officer said, "Sir, I am afraid you'll have to step out of the car to take a breathalyzer test."
"What fer?" asked the man. "Don't ye believe me?"
"Aye, that I have," the man replied. "Tis Friday, ye know, me and the lads stopped by the pub and had eight o' nine pints of the good stuff. After that I had to drive me friend Pat home and I couldn't be rude, so I had a couple of Guiness with him. Then on me way home, I had to stop to pick me up a bottle for later."
The man then fumbled around in his pockets until he found the bottle of whiskey and held it up for the officer to inspect.
Signing, the officer said, "Sir, I am afraid you'll have to step out of the car to take a breathalyzer test."
"What fer?" asked the man. "Don't ye believe me?"
Joke 10:Traffic Cops
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to See.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying officer told you that 'I was speeding, too!'
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to See.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying officer told you that 'I was speeding, too!'
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