Joke 203:A panda walked into a bar

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down.
Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "You're a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA: (n)A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 171: Chilled Beer

A customer asked a liquor vend owner to give him two bottles of beer meant for kids. Shocked at the weird demand, the man at the counter snubbed the customer and retorted, “Are you drunk? Don’t you know liquor is not meant for children?”

To this, the whimsical customer replied with a grin, “Then why have you written “child beer” outside your counter?”

(Apparently, a painter had, at the time of painting the counter, wrote “child beer” instead of “chilled beer”.)

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 83:Club Rules

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”

The man replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”

The Arab shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!”

“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”

The Arab rasped “I found it all right. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007

Joke 57: The Little Boy

A young boy went running down the street in search of a policeman.
Finding one, he pleaded, "Officer, please I need you to come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight."

The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three guys in a fistfight.
"Ok, now which one is your father?" he asked the young boy.

"I don't know, officer. That's what they're fighting about!"

Joke 48: Do not drink an drive

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
By this time everyone had left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However, the police officer was waiting for him.

He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

With a smile on his face, the driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"

Joke 46: The pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you
in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine".

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm
fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your
hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine really."

Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked
up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
bird crap."

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

Joke 28: Betting

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The news was on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news
and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

This time Homer had to take the money.