Joke 215: Honestly Alcoholic

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2015

Joke 70: Drinking in the Family

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007

Joke 67: Side effects of Alcohol and its Remedies

1.Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2.Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3.Symptom : The floor looks blurry.
Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

4.Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause : You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

5.Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6.Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

7.Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause : You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.


Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007

Joke 57: The Little Boy

A young boy went running down the street in search of a policeman.
Finding one, he pleaded, "Officer, please I need you to come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight."

The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three guys in a fistfight.
"Ok, now which one is your father?" he asked the young boy.

"I don't know, officer. That's what they're fighting about!"

Joke 56: Dublin Traffic cop story

A man was driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin one Friday night, when a police officer pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking.

"Aye, that I have," the man replied. "Tis Friday, ye know, me and the lads stopped by the pub and had eight o' nine pints of the good stuff. After that I had to drive me friend Pat home and I couldn't be rude, so I had a couple of Guiness with him. Then on me way home, I had to stop to pick me up a bottle for later."

The man then fumbled around in his pockets until he found the bottle of whiskey and held it up for the officer to inspect.

Signing, the officer said, "Sir, I am afraid you'll have to step out of the car to take a breathalyzer test."

"What fer?" asked the man. "Don't ye believe me?"