A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling
well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with
three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when
you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after
lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another
big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc,
exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010
Showing posts with label doctor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doctor. Show all posts
Joke 91: Watch out for the innocent ones
A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “Im having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…
And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
She replied, “Im having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…
And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Joke 84: You are a Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Joke 55: Your Government at your Service
A man walks into the market followed by his 10-year-old son. The kid is holding a one dollor coin between his lips. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. The boy immediately starts choking and going blue in the face, and the dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper, and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid and squeezes him very firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the one dollor coin, which the man catches in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As he is about to leave, the father asks one last question:
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic! What are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no" the man replies "I work for the IRS."
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper, and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid and squeezes him very firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the one dollor coin, which the man catches in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.
The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As he is about to leave, the father asks one last question:
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic! What are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no" the man replies "I work for the IRS."
Joke 52: Good News
The doctor took Bill into the room and said,
"Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."
Bill said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
"Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."
Bill said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
Joke 47: Eating the right food
For those of you who watch what you eat,here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all of those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
CONCLUSION : Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
It's a relief to know the truth after all of those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or North Americans.
CONCLUSION : Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Joke 43: Sanity Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Nooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done on this test.)
"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Nooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done on this test.)
Joke 42: The Psychiatrists Conclave
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
Joke 24: Medical Test
STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES
FOR 10 SECONDS.....
...now stare at the Labrador puppies
for 10 seconds
Thank You!
Your CatScan and Lab Tests are now complete
FOR 10 SECONDS.....
...now stare at the Labrador puppies
for 10 seconds
Thank You!
Your CatScan and Lab Tests are now complete
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