Ladies, Read Only The First Part Men, The Rest
Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her,"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!
The woman said, That's okay.
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack.
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers, continue reading
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010
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Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Joke 70: Drinking in the Family
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Joke 64: A new element in the Periodic table
Element: WOMEN
Symbol: WO+
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Boils at room temperature
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones
and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, good samples can increase your social value.
2. Can be great aid to administration.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen.
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Symbol: WO+
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Boils at room temperature
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones
and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, good samples can increase your social value.
2. Can be great aid to administration.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen.
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Joke 62: A bridge too far
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded, and in a booming voice the Lord said,
" Because you have tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, " Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it will take! It will nearly exhaust all the natural resources. It is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me".
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's silent? Why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy ".
The Lord replied, "You want a four lane or six lane bridge?
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
" Because you have tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, " Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it will take! It will nearly exhaust all the natural resources. It is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me".
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's silent? Why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy ".
The Lord replied, "You want a four lane or six lane bridge?
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Joke 21:Ever wondered why?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If Electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If Electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Joke 19:Some thoughts for (Married) Men
Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If
you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again
the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will
run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as
a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got
married?"
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If
you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again
the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will
run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as
a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got
married?"
Joke 18: Some thoughts for (married) Men
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
Joke 17: Some thoughts for (married) Men
Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
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