A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens The voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the Ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and asked,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012
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Showing posts with label blonde. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blonde. Show all posts
Joke 189:The Paint Job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012
Joke 95: Genie
Three blonde women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came accross a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.
The first blonde woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The second blonde woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
The first blonde woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The second blonde woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007
Joke 49: Deputy for the Sherriff
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".
"Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".
"Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Joke 32: Carpenters
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
Joke 28: Betting
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The news was on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news
and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
This time Homer had to take the money.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news
and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
This time Homer had to take the money.
Joke 11:Flight to Melbourne
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up
and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will
have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
about this. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place
and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, 'I am blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde
woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!'
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh i'm sorry
- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will
have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
about this. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place
and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, 'I am blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde
woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!'
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh i'm sorry
- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
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