Joke 181: To God with Love

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment..

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?


Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Jokes Every Man Should Know

Joke 97: Are you bearish

An atheist is walking through the woods one day when all of a sudden a huge bear runs out to attack him. The atheist runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls to the ground. As he turns rover the bear is standing on top of him, paws stretched wide ready to maul him.

“Oh God” screams the atheist.

Suddenly time stands still, the bear freezes in the attack position and a voice out of heaven says “Yes, you called?”

“Oh” says the atheist “you really do exist! Can you make this bear go away?”

“Why should I?” says God. “You’ve been denying my existence all your life”

“Fair point” says the atheist. “Ok, how about this. Can you turn the bear into a Christian instead?”

“Ok” says God and time resumes once more. The bear stops in attack, bows his head meekly and says “Dear God. Thank you for what I am about to receive…”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007

Joke 96: Indigenous Manufacturing

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, “God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.”

“Oh, is that so? Explain…” replies God. “Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”

“Well, that’s very interesting… show Me.”

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. “No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007

Joke 75: Why God never got a Ph.D

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

17. No record of working well with colleagues.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2007