New,Latest,Active,Clean & Unlimited Jokes

Joke 208:Elementary

2012-01-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 207:Rabbit in a bar

2012-01-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

This rabbit walks into a bar one cold night and says, "I'd like a beer and a ham and cheese toastie please." The bartender looks stymied but gives the rabbit what he wants. The rabbit chucks a few dollars on the bar and saunters off. He does the same thing next week to the increasing curiosity of the bartender. On the third week the Rabbit comes back, asks for his beer and ham and cheese toastie. The bartender tells the rabbit, "Sure, we're out of cheese though, but we have onion." The rabbit sighs, tucks in and leaves. The rabbit isn't heard from for a few weeks and comes back into the bar one night as a ghost. The bartender says "Crikey mate, what happened to you?" The rabbit looks at the bartender and says, "I mixed my toasties!"( Myxomatosis was a drug used in Australia to control the introduced rabbit population)Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 206:Rain Farming

2012-01-08T10:31:00.000-08:00

A guy was driving along a country road and noticed a farmer standing in the middle of his field in the pouring rain. He thought he might be in trouble so he stopped his car and went over and asked if he was okay. The farmer said, "Oh yeah, I'm fine. I'm just trying to win a Nobel prize." The other guy was really confused. "How exactly?" he asked the farmer. The farmer answers, "I heard they give it to people who are outstanding in their field."Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 205:2012:US presidential Campaign

2012-01-05T08:52:00.001-08:00

And how about that Michele Bachmann? If she gets any more creative with American history, it'll turn out the Alamo didn't fall — it tripped. And then there's Herman Cain. This man wants to dig a moat along our border and fill it with alligators. I'm not sure what he has in mind for health-care reform, but I think it involves leeches. I hear Sarah Palin's finishing up her tour. Some say she's become addicted to fame — like Lady Gaga, only less political. And don't you love Ron Paul? He's a doctor who doesn't think health care is a right. Sort of like a plumber who's willing to fix everything except the bathroom.Read more: http://www.esquire.com/blogs/politics/obama-impersonator-jokes-5959407#ixzz1ibTnGs6ePart of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 204 2012-End of the World: How Will the Media Report It?

2012-01-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR! Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE. Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 203:A panda walked into a bar

2011-06-18T08:47:00.001-07:00

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down.
Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "You're a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA: (n)A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 202:Logic

2011-05-18T22:05:00.001-07:00

Wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

Short time later the husband walks in with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 201: Little Johny Again

2011-05-14T19:35:00.001-07:00

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 200:A Hamster and a Frog

2011-05-14T19:34:00.001-07:00

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 199:Washington

2011-05-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 198:Watermelon Farming

2011-04-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch, and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation, and he puts up a sign that reads:

"WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returned to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:

"NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 197:Joint Operations

2011-04-15T22:01:00.001-07:00

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 196: Parental Gifts

2011-04-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

After going to university, each of four sons left the house and started into their careers. The sons quickly became very successful business entrepreneurs and prospered well.

Before the holiday season, over lunch, the four sons discussed how well they had done and the gifts they were able to give back to their elderly parents this year who lived in another city far away.

The oldest son said "Had a huge house built for Dad with six washrooms and ten bedrooms."
The next son said "had a 100 thousand dollar multimedia theater installed in the house."
The third son said "My Audi dealer deliver an fully loaded Audi R8 to the house."
The youngest son explained "You know how Dad loved reading the Bible every night and now he can't, as he does not see well anymore. Well, met a preacher who had a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers and fifteen years to train this parrot.
I asked 'how much for this parrot" and preacher said "irreplacable ..no amount of money can replace this parrot" So I pledged $100,000 a year for twenty years to the preachers church to get this parrot .. it was a lot, but I feel it was worth it. Now, Dad just has to name the chapter and verse that he wants and the parrot will recite it word for word.

"Amazing Parrot" The brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, the Dad sent out his thank you notes.
You are my oldest favorite son John, the house is truly beautiful and is so huge. We only live in one room, but mom has to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." Dad

"Tom, your gift was very thoughtful, but we are too old now to travel far. We both stay at home lately and have food and groceries delivered to the house. Unfortunately we never use the Audi. Your thoughts were kind. Thanks, Love Mom and Dad

Andy, That grand 40 person multimedia theater you had installed is awesome with the Dolby sound. Unfortunately, most of my friends are dead, my hearing is going fast and can barely see the screen as we are nearly blind. Too bad, we just can't use it. Thank you for the wonderful gesture just the same." Dad

"Dearest Sammy, you are our youngest son and we love you. This year you're the only son to have the common sense to give us a gift with a little thought behind it. "The chicken was delicious, Thank you, love Mom and Dad."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke195:Working under lights

2011-04-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joe 194:A question of Leadership

2011-04-05T03:44:00.000-07:00

A Singaporean, a Chinese and an Indian were asked to compare their Leaders with a National Landmark or Monument (man made or natural).

The Chinese wrote, "My leaders are like the Great Wall of China...old, but still as strong as the bricks in the Wall."

The Singaporean wrote, "My leaders are like the many highrise buildings in Singapore. They build our nation and bring us to greater heights."

The Indian wrote, "My leaders are like the Himalaya Mountains. They have been around for a long time, doing nothing."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 193:L.A.R.K.

2011-03-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

A Canadian Libertarian lady fingered her government, complaining about the treatment given to captive insurgents and terrorists being held in the National Correctional System facility.
She received the following reply:
From:
National Defence Headquarters
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern over the treatment given to Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in the National Correctional System facility.

Let me assure you that our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear, here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; that we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' prog ram , or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new prog ram , we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care and custody. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for by you, pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling to your guest. We reassure you that he is well past schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can terminate human life with such simple items as a pencil or a nail clipper. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend his self respect.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire for you and your daughters. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs', as you have so aptly described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and to care for our fellow human being.

You take good care of Ahmed; and remember, we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 192:You know you are from Delhi when...

2011-03-12T01:38:00.000-08:00

You know you are from Delhi when..
You drink only on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday evenings. And try not drinking on Tuesday.
Treating a friend means - Daaru Shaaru te kabbab shabaab.
A place to meet is Mocha, CCD, Barista, Hookah.
You use the word "setting" or "jugaad" at-least once a day.
You have not visited either of - Qutub Minar, Red Fort, Lotus Temple. It is only for tourists, so Delhiites say.
You ride on the cycle rickshaw in NOIDA (more popularly known as NEODA) - haggle over the price, but still pity rickshaw walla's condition and give him what he asked.
You glare at people who call Gol Guppas as Pani Puri!
You always ask the vendor "Bhaiya yeh Gol-Guppe Aate ki hai ya Sooji ke?"
Schooling is best in Delhi not because of CBSE but because you've had school cancelled thrice due to cold in winters & summer vacations preponed due to sudden increase heat in Summers and atleast two Rainy Day off during Monsoon.
You have been to a wedding at a Mehrauli farmhouse at least once
You call the waiter in the restaurant "boss" or "Pappey" & tack on "yaar" "bhai" to almost every sentence.
You know that Bappay Da Dhaba or Kake Da Hotel has better butter chicken than Taj. You've at least tried it once! And you see a BMW, a Porsche OR a Mercedes parked outside it!
You describe practically every other person on the planet as "Vella". ('Idle' or Nikamma in Punjabi).
You see middle-aged Aunties wearing Gucci shades and holding LV bags having Gol-Gappas in GK or Bhelpuri in South Ex along with Diet Coke !
You call every stranger 'Bhaiyya'.
You refer to East Delhi as 'Jamuna Paar'.
You refer to AIIMS as Medical.
Pretty girls as Totta, Maal or Bamb (Punjabi for Bomb).
Aashiq mizaz boys as Majnu di Aulad !
You donâ��t buy tickets for a music concert or cricket match, but try to use political contacts...
You overtake everyone from the wrong side and stare into his/her eyes while doing so.
You have at least two cars and a motorbike at home.
And you have fought at least once every month with neighbors over parking...
You park your Car and take a Auto-rickshaw to Lajpat Nagar/Rajouri/ Kamla Nagar/ Karol Bagh. But CP, you don't get parking space easily, yet you go always in your own vehicle.
And then you say apni Kanvense (conveyance) howe na ta badi Kanvinyance (convenience) hondi hai ji !!!!!
You have bribed a traffic cop (THULLA) at least once, every month.
You know that a farmhouse has nothing to do with cattle or farming. It is luxurious hangout for whole night.
You use "contacts" (jugaad) for everything, from getting movie tickets to restaurant bookings to play-school admissions.

DESPITE all the good and bad........You still Love Delhi..

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 191:Semester Exam

2011-03-03T09:28:00.000-08:00

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 190: Fishing Expedition

2011-03-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens The voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the Ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and asked,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 189:The Paint Job

2011-02-28T09:23:00.000-08:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 188:Fire Truck

2011-02-27T09:18:00.000-08:00

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Little Jonny brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"he said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 187:Birthday Special

2011-02-25T09:15:00.000-08:00

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 186:Boarding Gate

2011-02-23T09:09:00.000-08:00

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.
Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank You for participating in the Airlinr's physical fitness program."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 185: For Sale

2011-02-22T09:08:00.000-08:00

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012

Joke 184:Shoe Size

2011-01-29T06:38:00.000-08:00

Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali goes to buy new boots. As soon as he enters the shop, the salesman hands him a pair. “How did you know my size?” asks Ben Ali. The answer: “You’ve stomped on us for 23 years, how can we not?”

Ben Ali fled Tunisia on Jan. 14, after weeks of protests demanding freedom from police rule

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 183:Lawyers as Friends?

2010-07-10T22:44:00.001-07:00

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.

Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 182: Valentines is Big Business

2010-07-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 181: To God with Love

2010-04-15T05:18:00.000-07:00

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment..

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Jokes Every Man Should Know

Joke 180: British generosity

2010-03-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million Pakistanis as replacements...

God Bless British generosity.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 179: A Dead Horse

2010-03-28T02:55:00.000-07:00

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse."

However, in government, education and corporate life, more advanced
strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit to other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that the dead horse can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and / or training to increase dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overheads and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course,
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position!

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke178: Even God cannot get this job

2010-02-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 177:Speeding

2010-02-17T23:07:00.000-08:00

A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!

The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

"Ma'am," the officer began. "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer," the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. "Why, what seems to be the problem?"

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, "What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That's the problem. Didn't you see the sign?"

"Oh sure," the old lady returned, "That's why I'm driving so fast. I'm just trying to follow it's instruction."

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

"Just what sign are you talking about, Ma'am?" he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, "Why, the one that said 'Speed Zone Ahead', of course!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 176: I earned my Millions

2010-02-15T21:28:00.001-08:00

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 175:The Golf Match

2010-02-15T21:25:00.001-08:00

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 174: Fifth-grade Science

2010-02-11T03:14:00.000-08:00

In a fifth-grade class, a teacher asked students various science questions, of which the following were the funniest:

Teacher: "What is the definition of a protein?'
Student: "A protein is something that is made up of mean old acids."

Teacher: "What kind of tails do opossums have?"
Student: "Reprehensible ones"

Teacher: "What is the spinal column?"
Student: "A long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."

Teacher: "How long does it take the Earth to rotate about its axis?"
Student: "The Earth makes a resolution once every 24 hours."
Teacher: "That's wishful thinking."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 173: New Job

2010-02-11T03:10:00.001-08:00

An unemployed biologist was having considerable difficulty in finding a new job. He finally saw an add in a local newspaper for a position at a zoo. In the interview, the manager told him that their only gorilla, which had been a star attraction, had recently died, and it would be sometime before they could replace it. Meanwhile, they needed someone to dress up as a gorilla and pretend to be the animal. The biologist was quite embarrassed, but, being desperate for money, he accepted the job.

The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla skin and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance. Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.

The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, "Help! Help!" The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, "Hey, it's me Leonard, your former co-worker. Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 172: The Lab Experiment

2010-02-11T03:09:00.003-08:00

One day after sleeping badly, an anatomist went to his frog laboratory and removed from a cage one frog with white spots on its back. He placed it on a table and drew a line just in front of the frog. "Jump frog, jump!" he shouted. The little critter jumped two feet forward. In his lab book, the anatomist scribbled, "Frog with four legs jumps two feet."

Then, he surgically removed one leg of the frog and repeated the experiment. "Jump, jump!" To which, the frog leaped forward 1.5 feet. He wrote down, "Frog with three legs jumps 1.5 feet."

Next, he removed a second leg. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog managed to jump a foot. He scribbled in his lab book, "Frog with two legs jumps one foot."

Not stopping there, the anatomist removed yet another leg. "Jump, jump!" The poor frog somehow managed to move 0.5 feet forward. The scientist wrote, "Frog with one leg jumps 0.5 feet."

Finally, he eliminated the last leg. "Jump, jump!" he shouted, encouraging forward progress for the frog. But despite all its efforts, the frog could not budge. "Jump frog, jump!" he cried again. It was no use; the frog would not response. The anatomist thought for a while and then wrote in his lab book, "Frog with no legs goes deaf."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010javascript:void(0)

Joke 171: Chilled Beer

2010-02-09T03:17:00.000-08:00

A customer asked a liquor vend owner to give him two bottles of beer meant for kids. Shocked at the weird demand, the man at the counter snubbed the customer and retorted, “Are you drunk? Don’t you know liquor is not meant for children?”

To this, the whimsical customer replied with a grin, “Then why have you written “child beer” outside your counter?”

(Apparently, a painter had, at the time of painting the counter, wrote “child beer” instead of “chilled beer”.)

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 170: What is in the size

2010-02-07T04:58:00.000-08:00

Me: “Hi, [pizza place].”

Customer: “Hi, it says you have a nine inch small pizza. How big is that?”

Me: “Nine inches, six slices.”

Customer: “But how big is it?”

Me: “The diameter of the pizza is approximately nine inches. There are six slices.”

Customer: “Like, ok, but you already told me that. How big is it?”

Me: “I’m not sure what other metric to use. The pie is slightly smaller across than a third of a meter.”

Customer: *brief pause* “Okay, what size is the medium?”

Me: “Twelve inches, six slices.”

Customer: *another brief pause* “The small has six too. So they’re the same size?!”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 169: Currency

2010-02-07T04:43:00.001-08:00

Me: “That’ll be €32,78 please.”

(The customer hands me American dollars.)

Me: “Sir, this is Germany. You can’t pay with US currency.”

Customer: “But this is the US.”

Me: “No sir, this is Germany, in Europe.”

Customer: “But…isn’t Europe part of the US?”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke167: Psychic Help

2010-02-07T04:31:00.000-08:00

Customer: “I would like help finding a book.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the title?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, who is the author?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me the subject and maybe we can still find it.”

Customer: “It’s for a friend. It’s about spiritual something.”

(I search ’spiritual’ just to see what happens.)

Me: “Okay, my computer is showing over 6,000 results. Is there anyway we can narrow the search?”

Customer: “Isn’t that your job?”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 166: Dad Little working Girl

2010-02-07T04:30:00.000-08:00

Caller: “Are you hiring right now?”

Me: “Yes sir, we are hiring for the infant room.”

Caller: “Oh that wont work, my daughter is 6.”

Me: “Are you wanting to bring your daughter to our daycare facility?”

Caller: “Yes, how much do you pay?”

Me: “Well, I’m not at liberty to discuss what the employees get paid. But, for your daughter’s age, we charge $95 a week.”

Caller: “So she will get paid $95 a week?”

Me: “No, sir. That is what we charge for you to bring your daughter here for the employees to look after, teach, and have play time.”

Caller: “So she can’t get a job here? She won’t be making any money? I’ll call someone else who will give her a job.”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 165: Fall Timings

2010-02-07T04:23:00.000-08:00

To a waiter who works at a hotel half an hour away from Niagara Falls.

Customer: “What time do the Falls stop?”

Me: “You mean the stores? I think they’re probably closed-”

Customer: “No, no, the Falls. What time do they run until?”

Me: “The lights? I believe 10 or so–”

Customer: “No, no, I mean the actual waterfall, what time do they turn it off?”

Me: “Midnight.”

(It’s about 11:30pm, so they thank me and run out. Two hours later, they return.)

Customer: “Thanks a lot for the help earlier! I guess it was our lucky day. They didn’t turn them off yet!”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke164: The Remote

2010-02-07T04:19:00.000-08:00

Customer: “I bought a TV from you last week, and one of my friends told me I need a universal remote control for it.”

Me: “Right. Was it a TV off display?”

Customer: “No, a new one in a box.”

Me: “Did you not get one in the box?”

Customer: “Yes, but the wife has that! If she’s sitting on one couch and I’m on the other couch and I want to change the channel, what is she supposed to do, throw it to me?”

Me: “You could ask her to change the channel for you.”

Customer: *chuckles* “That’s not how marriage works son. I’ll just buy this one.”

Me: “Right, but if you both have a remote then you’ll keep changing the channel on each other and never see a full programme.”

Customer: *chuckles again* “Oh son, one day you’ll learn how the world works.”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 163:Progressive Indian woman

2010-02-07T03:35:00.000-08:00

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.

Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....They don't come to change the family,they are here to....

The new wife (progressive Indian woman of today), was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;

'My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family,firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. 'No,I will never do that, never in a million years.'

'What do you mean my child?' asked the father-in-law.

'What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!

'And what are you here for?' enquired the mother-in-law.

'AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON..... '

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 162: What are you upto

2010-02-07T03:32:00.000-08:00

English, a difficult language

Lovers of the English language, enjoy this . . .
an example of why people learning English have trouble.

Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is 'UP'.

It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It is easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky.
Or at the top of the list . . . being UP and UP.

But when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP?

And why are the officers UP for election?

And why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

Why do we call UP our friends?

Why do we polish UP the silver to brighten UP a room?

Why do we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has a real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite,

and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,

look up the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and

can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many

ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP,

you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and& on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . .

my time is UP!

Not forgetting the last one, “UP yours”!
Send this on to everyone you look UP in your addressbook.

Now I'll shut UP

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 161: A Honey tale

2010-02-07T03:30:00.000-08:00

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.

"Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me
home..., "PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful ?
WHAT 4-letter words ?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words !"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 160: Rules of Golf

2010-02-05T01:46:00.000-08:00

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be
lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable
mechanical phenomena.

2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to
inspire such comments as, "You could blow it in" . . . may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

2010-02-05T01:31:00.000-08:00

Barbara Walters filed a report on gender roles in Iraq a few years prior to the Gulf War, and noted then that, in traditional Islamic fashion, women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
Recently, Barbara returned to Iraq and observed that the Men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the Iraqi women for an explanation.
This is marvelous," Barbara said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
The Iraqi woman replied, "Land mines."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 159: Of Cars and Computers

2010-02-05T01:01:00.000-08:00

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke158: Mental Hospital call center

2010-02-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 157: Fishing Secrets

2010-02-03T04:18:00.000-08:00

A man and a boy have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice
fishing. The man has been having no luck at all while the boy has been
pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man finally
leans over and asks the kid what his secret is.

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," is the reply.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm," the kid repeats.

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."

The boy spits something into his hand and says very clearly, "You've
got to keep your worms warm!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 156: Golfing woes

2010-02-03T04:10:00.000-08:00

A young man was about to play golf when an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany him.

Eventually on the 9th fairway the young man found himself with a tough
shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the
green.

The old man said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right
over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and
hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the
ground about one foot from where it had started.

The old man remarked, "Of course, when I was your age that tree was
only 3 feet tall."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 155: Police help

2010-02-03T04:08:00.000-08:00

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a
police officer was interrupted by a little boy about six years old.
Looking up and down at his uniform, he asked, "Are you a police
officer?"

"Yes," he answered, and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?"

"Yes, that's right," he told him.

"Well, then," he said as he extended her foot toward the officer,
"would you please tie my shoe?"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 154: Cabbie Rules

2010-02-03T04:02:00.000-08:00

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting
one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you
should see all the witnesses contradict each other!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke153: Roses all the way

2010-02-03T03:59:00.001-08:00

A man stopped at a flower shop after work to pick up roses for his
wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a
younger man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red
roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said, "this gentleman just ordered our last
bunch."

The desperate customer turned to the older man and begged, "May I
please buy those roses from you?"

"What happened?" the older man asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," the younger man confided. "I crashed my
wife's hard drive!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 152: Easy Solution

2010-02-03T03:54:00.000-08:00

Shally went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. You gotta
help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Come to me three times a week for two years," said the psychiatrist,
"and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shally. Six months later the doctor met
Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?"
asked the psychiatrist.

"Too expensive. My paperboy cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off my bed!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 151: Three pills

2010-02-03T03:52:00.000-08:00

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling
well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with
three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when
you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after
lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another
big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc,
exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 150: Three wishes

2009-12-23T20:11:00.000-08:00

Ladies, Read Only The First Part Men, The Rest

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her,"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!
The woman said, That's okay.
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack.
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 149: Twenty Great One Liners

2009-12-18T23:46:00.000-08:00

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 148: Who is It?

2009-12-10T20:33:00.000-08:00

While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is.He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,

"Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Dr Manmohan immediately responds,"It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot.
I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test.Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators,and they puzzle over the question for several hours,but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally,
in desperation,Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House,finds George Bush, and exclaims,

"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is!It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong,

.

It's Manmohan Singh!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke147: The Coffee Story

2009-12-10T20:27:00.002-08:00

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....
'HEBREWS'

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 146: Beautiful and Stupid

2009-12-10T20:27:00.001-08:00

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !!!

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 145: Shopping

2009-12-10T20:26:00.001-08:00

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'I asked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Jokes 144: Relatives

2009-12-10T20:25:00.001-08:00

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws''

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 143: The IQ Test

2009-11-08T02:28:00.000-08:00

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 142: The Collateral

2009-11-08T02:26:00.000-08:00

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks.

The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.

The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys."

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.

The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"

The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 141: Loan Recovery

2009-11-08T02:25:00.001-08:00

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 140: Dear Mr. Bill Gates

2009-11-04T03:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Sreeniwas from Banglore India.
We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that? Best regards,

yours,
Sreenie
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke139: The funniest jokes of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

2009-08-25T05:10:00.000-07:00

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

• 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

• 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

• 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

• 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

• 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

• 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

• 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 138: A Question of Answers

2009-08-19T03:45:00.000-07:00

The Interviewer said 'I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question.Think well before you make up your mind!'

The boy thought for a while and said, 'my choice is one really difficult question.'

Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.'What comes first, Day or Night?'

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on his answer, he thought for a moment and said, 'It's the DAY sir!'

'How' the interviewer asked,

'Sorry sir, you promised me that you would not ask me a SECOND difficult question!'

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 137:Little Johny

2009-07-22T01:16:00.000-07:00

Lil Johnny comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens,kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, Lil Johnny's father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Lil Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 136:Wierd Truths

2009-02-28T04:32:00.000-08:00

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
Jean Cocturan

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper
Jerry Seinfeld

It matters not whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose.
Darrin Weinberg
a.. Life is pleasant.
b.. Death is peaceful.
c.. It's the transition that's troublesome."

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers..

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised.
(no offense ladies!!)

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know Where to shop.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 135: Teacher arrested at NY Airport

2009-02-26T04:25:00.000-08:00

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.Kennedy Airport as he tried to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzlez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 134: Chemical properties of Governmentium

2009-02-19T00:35:00.000-08:00

A major research institution in Mumbai, India, has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science.

The new element has been named Governmentium.
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second..

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. You will know it when you see it.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 133: For Old Times Sake

2009-02-17T07:58:00.001-08:00

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.

"Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 132: The Legacy

2009-02-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it is terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had
met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do, said Bob

'Did you, ever, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes, ' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm
afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 131: Staying Connected

2009-02-08T07:12:00.001-08:00

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... we talked about the idea of living on life support or dying without it ...

I said to her: ' Never let me live in a vegetative state ... totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle...

If you see me in that state , I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

She got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD,the Computer, the Cell Phone,my laptop and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

...I ALMOST DIED!!!

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 130: Think Big!

2009-01-01T09:04:00.000-08:00

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email." I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story:

M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire. .........

Have a great day!!!
Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 129: Performance Appraisal

2008-12-21T01:20:00.000-08:00

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED'
It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke128: The Execution

2008-10-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.
Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

God rest his soul in peace.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 127: Medical Advancement

2008-10-28T02:42:00.000-07:00

French doctor: Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.

German doctor:That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

Russian doctor: In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

Texas doctor: You guys are way behind ; we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the world is looking for work.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 126:New Terms for the 2008 Stock Market

2008-10-12T05:42:00.000-07:00

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 125: Professionals

2008-10-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he were here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell 'accountant'".

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 124:Profound thoughts

2008-09-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole,just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 123: Display of Authority

2008-09-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life. And close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your card! Show him your card!"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke122: Recycling

2008-09-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, typically
chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who
begins to chat:
The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?
The Indian: Of course!
The American: We do not. We only eat the inner part; the crust is put in
a container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to
India.
The Indian says nothing.

The American continues: Do you eat this jelly with the bread?
The Indian repeats: Of course.
The American: We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we keep
all the peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it, and
transform it into jelly and then we sell it to India.

The Indian asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?
American: We throw them away, of course!
Indian: We do not..! We keep them in containers, process them, transform
them into chewing gum and then sell it to The United States !!!

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke121:The parking space

2008-09-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 120: Going to Heaven

2008-09-20T00:34:00.000-07:00

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke119: Pedestrians

2008-09-19T00:32:00.000-07:00

Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 118: Obituary

2008-09-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye calling' from?'

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 117: Selling Insurance

2008-09-17T01:23:00.000-07:00

Airman Smith was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Jones noticed that Airman Smith was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Smith explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $250,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now," he concluded, "which groups do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke116: The IRS

2008-09-16T01:20:00.000-07:00

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 115: Job Hunting

2008-09-15T01:14:00.000-07:00

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 114: Heaven and Hell

2008-09-14T01:12:00.000-07:00

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we will do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he has in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there is just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted.'

OH!OH!! OH!!!

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 113:Noah's Ark-2008

2008-09-13T01:03:00.000-07:00

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 112: Spelling it right!

2008-09-12T01:02:00.000-07:00

A first-grade class comes in from recess, and the teacher asks a little girl what she did outside.

“I played in the sandbox,” she says.

“That’s good,” replies the teacher. “Go to the blackboard, and if you can write sand correctly, I’ll give you a cookie.”

The girl gets her treat, and the teacher asks a boy wearing a turban what he did during recess.

“I tried to play in the sandbox, but everyone threw rocks at me,” he says.

“That’s blatant racial discrimination!” says the teacher. “And if you can write blatant racial discrimination on the board, you’ll get a cookie.”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 111: It is empty at the Top

2008-09-10T00:59:00.000-07:00

A young executive is leaving the office late one night when he finds the CEO standing over the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“This is a very sensitive official document,” says the CEO. “My secretary’s gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Sure,” says the junior exec as he turns on the shredder and hits the start button.

“Great,” says the CEO. “I just need one copy.”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 110:Computing Heaven and Hell

2008-09-08T00:56:00.000-07:00

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010

Joke 109:The Funeral Wish

2008-09-06T00:50:00.000-07:00

Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, “I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.”
The second man said, “I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.”

The last man said, "I want someone to say, ‘He’s moving, he’s moving!’”

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2010