Joke 193:L.A.R.K.

A Canadian Libertarian lady fingered her government, complaining about the treatment given to captive insurgents and terrorists being held in the National Correctional System facility.
She received the following reply:
National Defence Headquarters
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2

Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern over the treatment given to Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in the National Correctional System facility.

Let me assure you that our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear, here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; that we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' prog ram , or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new prog ram , we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care and custody. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for by you, pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling to your guest. We reassure you that he is well past schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can terminate human life with such simple items as a pencil or a nail clipper. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend his self respect.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire for you and your daughters. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs', as you have so aptly described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and to care for our fellow human being.

You take good care of Ahmed; and remember, we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense.

Part of the Dream Weave Walk 1999-2012